The Null

Here is your answer

2011-03-06T15:46:00.000-08:00

The Root Of Evil

Despite popular belief, money isn't the root of evil; it's control, which money can certainly buy. Every person is born free and individual, capable of forming unique and personal opinions on anything. The problem fundamentally lies with human's nonacceptance of things being equal and harmonious - there must be one above all other. Those who hold the "right" opinion - which by definition isn't logical - assumes control. Currency comes in to generate the illusion of control. Money provides comfortableness, and that's the easiest way to purchase someone's allegiance and have them forfeit their opinions. The larger amount of subordinates you have, the more powerful you appear, and the more powerful you "are," the more control you have.

The Existence Of Sound

If a tree falls in the woods and there's no one around to hear it, does it still make a sound? The answer is positively YES. Admirable as the philosophical value this age old question has, it's solution is relatively simple. Sound waves would be produced by the tree regardless of any listener, they wouldn't neglect to exist. Additionally, the inquiry suggests the listener has a hand in producing the sound waves when it does not. So, the crashing of a tree would make a sound, only the sound would have no meaning.

The Origin

What came first, the chicken or the egg? The fact that people have been mulling over this notion for so long reduces faith in human intellect. Clearly, the chicken came first. To start with, let's put the question in a more relatable frame. What came first, the adult or the baby? Posing it this way, the answer is inescapable. A baby would not be able to sustain its life without a mature human to nurture and raise it; teach it how to live. The same formula would logically apply to chickens, and most other things (if not all). Furthermore, after a chicken has laid its eggs, the eggs still required incubation in order to hatch. If the egg came first, what incubated it?

Humanity needs to stop focusing on the matters which have easily obtained solutions. Let's pull it together. The future only exists through partnership.

Dearly-Won

2011-02-23T18:54:00.000-08:00

How does one sum up the month of February? The second month of the year feels like the lighting round on a very twisted game show; you have more to accomplish in fewer days, there is a day meant for lovers - and if you're not one, you're already losing the race, the Midwest snow begins to subside only long enough to fool you into having hope only for it to return, you start to contract cabin fever, Football season ends, the Oscars commence, and of course nothing else in your life slows down for anything. I would say, in short, February for me this year has felt like six months. It wouldn't be a stretch to say I've changed drastically since the 1st. Surely, we all have, but this is my blog.

I would take it into consideration when people tell me "You're too stubborn, and you need to relax," or "You need to remember we're not all as smart as you," only it doesn't take a miracle for people to pick up a dictionary or to be considerate of others. We live in a free world, which in turns means everyone makes up their own rules, and people get upset when those rules aren't followed. Ha ha ha, it's a joke; get it? Of course, I'm not excluded from the equation.

Does the Antichrist know they're the Antichrist, or does it comet as a shock to them as well? Strange...

My anger and frustration have come up to the driver's seat in my life, leaving sullen and empathy resting in the truck for a little while, like a tire iron: only there in case of an emergency.

When the artist resembles the artwork, that's the point when everything is about to crash down.

2011-01-31T15:46:00.000-08:00

The finally day in the first month of a new year. That sentence sounds so hopeful, but I wouldn't say January of 2011 has been at all. I would say that the thick haze from 2010 has worn off, and a course of disillusion was enacted. However, once again that sounds much more positive than how it feels. This year is already shaping up as a period of acceptance. Last year I tried to fight everything, tooth and nail, until it nearly destroyed me. It may seem like the joke is on it, seeing as how I'm still here, but it didn't walk away empty handed. Shards of my happiness, will, and self-respect are gone, forever.

At some point in January, it sounded useful to document everything, and simply write a massive blog at the end of the month. Just as quickly, the idea lost all importance. Why hold on to the past...as they say. But, nevertheless, here are some key good/bad points for January:

- I did make it onto Examiner.com, which is packed with pros and cons. The benefit of being read off a national website, with a legitimate "fan" base outweighs pretty much every thing else - the humiliatingly low pay, for instance. The chance was not about pay, it was about exposure, and I'm certainly getting that.
- Number of books published by Gari: zero. Number of books published by Snooki: one.
I've come to terms that my first novel will not be the first to get published. It's a great book; I stand by it entirely, but it's probably not something you can break onto the scene with. That doesn't mean I'm not trying to get in read by an agent still, merely that it's not worth torturing myself with re-writes. I've often shied away from speaking publicly about this one novel, because it's a very personal piece. Not in the sense that's about me, it's about something I believe needs to be said. I will say this and nothing more: The story needs to be written the way it is, and it needs to be heard. Eventually, that day will come. Until then, however, it's probably best to seriously consider which novel to write next (out of the 15-20 ideas I have to go off of).
-Now having returned to Facebook, several people are blocked, and my network life should keep relatively uncomplicated for the time being.
-Suicide bomber killed by an unfortunate text message; sorry, but there's humor to that.

We're standing in the heads of phase two for this year - February. Let's see how many sympathetic Valentine's Day cards I get this time. Surely, they'll make a fine fire.

"Fuck love; give me fire" Blaqk Audio

Quotes from books I'm not too fond of

2010-12-20T18:06:00.000-08:00

It's because my concerns are deeper than the commoner. When I see people so engaged on what to eat for dinner, or worried about their money situation, it's natural for me now to want to scream out, "Why do you fucking care about that?"
When I look out, into the world, I see a deplorable way of existence. I see how we mistreat each other, how we strive to establish our place atop of one another, that we've back-peddled from pro-active to counter-productive, and a growing ignorance of empathy that's initializing the breakdown in society. After these notions have infected your mind...it just doesn't matter what's for dinner anymore.

Work has really started to stress me out. I'm fucking up left and right, because really none of their business matters to me. All I notice is worker bees counting their change, and barking at anyone who comes with twenty feet of it. There's a surreal thoughtless and illogical way things are run there, and it nearly makes me tear up like a baby. "The horror! The horror! Exterminate all the brutes."

As a finisher - Call of Christmas!
This holiday is swiftly falling to pieces. Most of the presents I've ordered for friends and family have yet to arrive, and those who I usually spend Christmas Eve with will not be around. It's been a terrible year, and we are seeing it out to a dreadful ending.

Eleven days until a New Year, and a whole new set of disappointments.

Cackle

2010-12-02T17:26:00.000-08:00

All the tattoos that are inked to my body carry strong, personal significance. I believe if it's going to be on you permanently, than it had best be something you are committed to. My second tat was a profile view of a Witch, which I got to reflect my point of view that misconception runs ramped, and there are times when we must fight, and possibly die for what we believe in.

Reading about the Salem Witch Trails for the first time, back in early high school (perhaps earlier - Jr. High), the phrase that struck me instantly was "brides of Satan." According to contemporary Christian theology - and as far as I can tell, modern Christianity - Witches were women who had prayed to and worshiped the Devil, Satan. Having Wiccan friends that young in life, I knew that was impossible, because they don't believe in Satan. In fact, further investigation showed Christianity is the only religion the includes the concept of The Devil as the polar extremity to a holy, almighty god. And thus, it became evident to me that anyone who stands outside of something - religion, politics, sexuality, etc - generally have their own inference. It's not in the nature of most human beings to ask questions out of genuine curiosity, but rather after they've already established their own set of principles about a subject. This notion is applicable to anything, as previously stated. On the reversal, there are definitely individuals on the inside of those lines that are fanatics, and also misinterpret the body of their supposed views.
Some religious use their doctrine as a weapons, opposed to a teaching tool. I've met homosexual men who contend that everyone should be gay, despite the fact that all they want is "to be free to live their life." You can't live a free life without extending the same right to everyone else. Punishing Wiccans for dealing with a spirit only Christian believe in is counteractive, and not proactive.
This is why their is a Witch on my leg.

The Death Card

2010-11-25T11:36:00.000-08:00

Another stake driven through the layer of earth we walk upon - Thanksgiving 2010.
From this point on, it's can be considered the home stretch. Just around the corner is transition; change, albeit a function of the mind, perhaps, only. After today, there is no call for bravery or will. It's a time to count your blessings, if any, and deposit them in a memory bank for rainy days.

I confess: I am scared. I am scared hope is not enough. Hope is stronger than love, because love robs you of logic, which is a necessary attribute if you're to make it through life. Hope leaves enough room for logic and reasoning to breathe. The best I can do is hope for a better tomorrow (next year), but I'm trembling in the doubt that it will prevail.

In my recent studies and practices to make sense of my life, it becomes more and more clear how a coarse mannerism does not help or heal anything. That demeanor only attempts to place blame on individuals who are not at fault for your ill-feelings. However, that suggests it's better to keep things inside, bottled up, which is definitely not a healthy solution either. It's a thin line.

My last tarot reading insists this year is one of experience and learning. I know that's true of every day in life, but the cards are very heavily themed in his notion recently. Literally one of the cards that came up twice in three readings was the Hope card (Thoth deck). ARgh! Is hope enough?

G-g-g-gari and the Jets.

2010-11-16T19:12:00.000-08:00

As my car was stopped in a traffic jam earlier, due to the relentless construction stretching over Addison, I asked myself why all my stories start in the middle.
Momentarily, I wondered if it has something to do with my opinion of people's short
attention span, and that if they're not grabbed instantly by the compelling segment of the tale first, they'll not care to find out what preceded these exciting events.
It's true, no one's story is universally interesting until it effects a large enough crowd, and or tips over a certain amount of dominoes. I didn't arrive at a secure conclusion on the issue, but rather advised myself not to waste anymore time thinking of it.

I cut my hair last night - very much a Spock cut. It gets mixed reactions, which was expected. First of all, I love Spock. He's a admirable character in fiction. So, what's the problem with having a little Spock thing going on? In truth, I just wanted to cut my hair shorter for now, and I just figured it would take a couple sessions to get it right, seeing as how I cut my own hair now. Spock for a few days, and then try to style the top more. It's not permanent; it grows right back, boys and girls. Secondly, I find it funny that a few people have pointed out the Spock comparison, and insinuated it's not alright, but absolutely no one spoke up yesterday, when my hair closely resembled Hitler's hair cut. Side note: claiming I cut my own hair is less impressive when it's a simple Spock cut. The esoteric appeal definitely does not inspire admiration. Sigh.

If you open a dictionary, pick out ANY word, I'm sure it describes me. Sorry to sound, egotistical, but...if the shoe fits...

So many opinions in the world, so little sense amongst them.

11

2010-11-05T20:52:00.000-07:00

Have I expressed yet my loathing of this foul year, 2010?
We are MILES too late in the game to ever believe it can be saved; that something
good could possibly come from this time in my life. You, and even I, can tell me the
experiences mean something more valuable until the cows come home, but guess what:
That doesn't make anything feel or look better. I'm firmly convinced that in previous years there was some variety of self-denial, blinding my senses like a sun blaze, but now the switch has been flipped. In the absence of light now, reality shines like a black mirror, and there is no going back. That imitation of happiness and esteem has been powered down, and shall return...nevermore.

My insomnia is flaring up, too. Only this time it's accompanied by a painful headache I've never had before. Still nothing close to what I would imagine a migraine feels like, but distracting, nonetheless.

Redemption

2010-10-28T05:34:00.000-07:00

There are three types of special people. The ones who embrace their ability for the good. The ones who embrace their ability for the darkness. And, the ones who run and hide from themselves; attempt, with all their might, to blend in to a degree at which even they themselves cannot see who they are. Depending on where you are standing, each variation can be the top point - the optimal choice; the only choice. Depending on where you are standing, there is no other option.

I've been all three extremes at some point in my life, and it has come to my attention that neither work. There is always something to challenge your choice, to make you second guess what position you've taken up. There is no peace.
This whole year I've tried to discover, or forge a forth point - a new point of view. And, it's failed miserably. It the past couple years of my life, I have adopted the philosophy that you never stop fighting until the fight is done. But I am quite ready to throw in the towel here and now, at the last stretch of October. There is no fourth option, and I supposed the best decision should be to spend the remaining two months picking my position, and spend 2011 sticking by that. However, with that mindset, I cannot lie it makes me incorrigibly depressed. Maybe its because no one likes to be a failure. Maybe it is because the viable three options, in actuality, do not fit me. Likewise, no one likes to be an outcast, or a maverick.
There is no hope for growth, and there is no chance of redemption.

Vay-Kay

2010-10-26T19:52:00.000-07:00

William Faulkner wrote in his novel As I Lay Dying, "I believed death to be a phenomenon of the body; now I know it to be merely a function of the mind." Lately, I'm inclined to agree. My mind, personally, has been in a state of death recently, from excessive use - by choice or not. When I'm not at work, stressing out my body more than my brain, then I'm at home, straining my brain more than my body. It is truly not a healthy way to live, by any measure.
It reaps havoc on your appearance and stability equally, and makes your life a vague concept of existence, resembling archaic poets allusions to purgatory. Additionally, it heightens your defenses - or at least makes you hyper-paranoid. It's a mad scene.

Every moment of my life, I am working now, on one thing or the other. There is no pay off as of yet, and that is what is making me feel weak and begin to waiver. And even when I'm not focused on my own problems, it's due to act of playing therapist to several people who just never seem to get better. If indeed I were a shrink, this would be my golden age.

I feel inarticulate right now (10:16pm 10/26/10). Technically, I am on vacation. No, seriously; I took time off from work and all. What the hell am I doing in front of this computer??? What the hell am I doing typing in my ridiculous online journal?
I need to be reset.

rambling.

2010-09-26T14:13:00.000-07:00

It is fascinating how we choose to define reality. The majority of people hold the awake state as what's real, maybe because it's where we have the freedom to interact when and where we please and with who here. But what properties does the awake world have? Cruel, unfair, dangerous, it's a level of consciousness in which control is equally distributed amongst all participants, and therefore generates a fluctuating set of benefits and downsides. We choose our reality based on the presents of conflict. In the dream state, everything is under your control. It only takes a degree of understanding to manipulate the surroundings to your liking, and create your own world.

I'm just rambling off thoughts, yes. But in a hedonistic society, I find it ironic that more people don't revere the dream state as reality over everything else.

z

2010-09-23T20:44:00.000-07:00

My life is a mess. I'm a mess.

Once in a while I wake up from sleep, and am cognizant of how long it's been since I've felt anything for someone. Years. For several years now I have not felt close or affectionate towards a single person. I've felt lonely, and have tried to fit people into that void loneliness leaves. But, all I've really does it lead people on.
I am a dark configuration of everything I hate in people.

My mind is a long abandoned war front; it's quiet except for the echoes of gun fire, it's still apart from the tremors in the soldier's nerves, it's important if you don't accept that it's over - you've lost; go home.

Everyday feels like the end of the road.

Gless: A Film Reviewd

2010-09-19T14:59:00.000-07:00

Debuting his second film in his home town, Chicago, independent director Rick Gawel brought another injection of psychological terror to the screen with "Gless.". Deeply confused and multiply-diagnosed patient, Gless struggles to find her way back up the sanity ladder to reflect upon at what point exactly the pieces began to fall.

Gawel's second production in twelve months, he shows a remarkable and virtually unparalleled leap in quality from all corners. Taking on the daunting task of writer/director/producer, the film displays not only his talent for dialog and visuals, but his knack for selecting great new actors and - with this case - extraordinary make-up artists, giving the movie a unfractured, haunting glow that follows you out of the screen and into the night.

"Gless" is surely a film that will be sought after by devotees as Rick Gawel and his company, Herbivore Productions, climb the stairs to success and reach for the stars.

It's been a long year for me.

2010-09-11T21:45:00.000-07:00

I honestly think this is rock bottom; there isn't an ounce of trust left in me. Trust is a fundamental asset to the mindset of progression through conjunction - achieving the future together opposed to against one another. And, lamentably, I believe it has been entirely eradicated from my spirit.

Lashing out randomly at co-workers, friends, and even (at times) practical strangers, it's clear - with only the slightest investigation - that the hostility present is generated utterly from myself, and caused by absolutely nothing any outside force has done. Due to my dismayed past, with treacherous players on the stage, I automatically associate new people with old complications.

This isn't the problem. As it's been all this year, I can identify the situation, but have no lead on a solution. I want to place the blame on the world; condemn the entire species as unreliable swine, and declare it's up to them to restore my faith. But, it's not the world's problem. It is my own.

I won't deny that someone else may, indeed, need to be the architect to the reconstruction of my trust, but as far as the 6 million plus living on Earth...Sadly, I think they're off the hook.

The End Pt.1

2010-09-10T20:27:00.000-07:00

The hot trend in the science world is to discuss the possibilities and advantages of moving civilization (our civilization, that is) into space. Explore the universe for another planet in which to inhabit, for this one is clearly doomed - either by meteorite or our destructive ingenuity. However all the rocket scientists, physicists, and other geniuses of our time have evidently overlooked the glaring question of human nature: If we ruined this planet, what is to stop us from ruining the next one? I think to put it in more practical terms: Is the solution to messing up your house simply moving to another house? Isn't it a more viable resolve to teach yourself to clean up instead of ignoring the problem? I think we can all understand my concern now.

I have much more to say about this, but more research is necessary on my part. I wouldn't want to start shoving words in people's mouths.

The Wizard of US

2010-09-05T19:03:00.000-07:00

People are often mocked for meeting new people and perusing romantic connections from the comfort of their home using their computer. They're taunted by others with criticisms that suggest they're too cowardly to tear down the barrier of the internet. But if you look closely, you'll notice people never reveal themselves upfront anyway, if ever at all. People disguise their antipathy or disinterest behind a smile. They veil their avaricious nature with false earnestness. They present themselves more than what they are, both to attract and deter. It sounds, to me at least, no different than the walls the internet builds.

Who are we? What's behind the curtain everyone draws to shield themselves?
Are we killers? Victims?
Like everything else, honesty starts inside, directed straight into your own soul and
mind. Disregarding the truth when it's staring at us in the mirror is only the prelude to unhappiness, because how can you be honorable and open to anyone when you can't be with yourself. There is too much beating around the bush - seems to be much more than when I was younger.

All people know this, and they wear the message like a banner across their chest, but it's come to my attention that no one actually practices what they preach. If you're so honest, then why are you hiding behind that wall? Another thing, all people lie that they have wall they duck behind. But the thing about a denial is the longer you hold onto it, the more obvious and transparent it becomes from over use. It won't be long, if it hasn't happened already, when the whole world can see you cowering behind your own fabrications.

the same blog I've been writing for years.

2010-08-28T19:26:00.000-07:00

Today is a time of considerable change, for good or ill. It's going to effect everyone. Someone people will step further into the light, and some will close their eyes and dream the darkness that spread like wild fire in the peace of night. And, as always, the choice is yours. Acceptance or denial. Embrace or push away.
Like usual, I feel betwixt the polar-exterminates - The Null: Bestowing excellent wisdom upon the lost, but helpless to run one way or the other myself. There isn't one option without the other feeling the strain, and therefore taking effect as well. Acceptance only comes from the denial of something else. You can only embrace that what you don't push away. Ambivalence.

Many of my friends are taking steps closer towards happiness and finding their soul. To them, I give them my luck and wish them luck. Other friends of mine are tumbling down the rabbit hole, into a world they refuse to understand. I offer them my guidance, if they'll take it.

08282010 8+28+2010=2046 20+46=66 6+6=12 1+2=3

3 is the number of new beginnings, something that wasn't there before. I think this is the first time numerology is actually accurate.

Just The Beer Light To Guide Us.

2010-08-23T19:36:00.000-07:00

Everything has a dual nature to it, a magnetism with the ability to pull or push you somewhere. And it's so easy to get lost when you let the nature of all other things not-yourself direct you. Perhaps the unoriented looks fine and fulfilling, but it lacks meaning; is sans purpose. Life is nothing if it's merely the product of external persuasion.
Can you honestly say you are who you want to be in life? Or is the truth you are who you're expected to be? This is all amateur philosophy 101, I know. But the question will go away when we it's no longer a consistent problem.

I'm not having such an easy time moving forward, liked I'd written in the last entry. My dreams have now become quick flashes of images, some of them being people from the past. All except for one. I dreamed reunion and reconciliation with someone I don't want back in my life again. One suggestion I've read is that this could be conveying a sense of balance brought to light. While the substance of that may be a viable answer, I still fret over why this particular person is the one my subconscious chose to symbolize the development. I have my opinions and sentiments on why, but ultimately it seems I'm setting myself up for disappointment.
Because the questions sprout there, I can only hope the answers come to my in dreams.

The Year That Once Was

2010-08-20T19:07:00.000-07:00

An epiphany that must be expressed: This year was meant to be something like hitting a reset button on life for me, except it's like the message was misinterpreted. I want to start from the beginning.

I had a dream on January 2nd, 2010 that set the stage for my goals this year. The Dream was pathetic and depressing, and put things into perspective. And something inside told me to look backwards; mend the past. Since then, whether by my hand or pure magic, much of the past has resurfaced and have openly accepted rematches. So many people from years back have turned up. They've either found me or - in one sullen instance - I found them, but it seems obvious now: it's regressive to pursue these things and people; these friendships & romances. They are nothing more than ghosts haunting the wasteland that time forgot, even though the mind never appears to. I shutter on myself, to think this year has thus far been only a stern reminder that the past should stay there. That I needed to confirm I'm no longer the teenage boy or foolish, young man I once was.

The common thread amongst all these people has been stagnation; a lack a growth.
They are all the same, more or less, from when they faded from my life. They still live at home, while I have my own apartment. They are dodging creditors, while I pay my bills on time, responsibly. They are still idolizing rock stars, while I was one (sort of). They are watching TV, while I'm reading novels. They have thoughts, while I have theories. They have ways of passing time, while I have interests.

Who we were, and where we came from, influence our choices that turns us into who we are, but they're no way to design our future.
I hope that after tonight things can start to get better, but I imagine it's going to take some time for the conscious to digest all of this.

I know this installment came off as entirely egocentric, but it is my blog. ;-P

Movement 3

2010-08-19T20:42:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I relinquish my status as Acting Dock-Captain, and resume my position as assistant. Which is a bit ironic, because quite a number or people at work mistake me for head of the department and have my boss pinned as my assistant. Nevertheless, I'll be glad to have a second person back in the department. That job is simply not operational on one-body. We'll have to see what tomorrow brings.

Due to the elevated levels of stress this week, my personal activities have taken a hit in progress. No advance steps have been taken in any of the projects I have going on, not even my Halloween costume. All the materials are there, but I find my recreational time spent mostly sleeping, or barely watching a movie. Hopefully this stagnation will cease with the coming weekend, although there are appointments to meet in place of personal progress.

This year, I've gone back to lying when asked how I've been or what's on my mind. Even though it's not logical to evade the truth, it's just easier. Quite honestly, that's taking a great toll on my mental stability, for sure. I suppose, however, Hell is for Heroes, and there is a method to my madness. It's not easy to not be the villain.

10:52pm - I should be asleep by now, but my dreams are becoming more...strange. Strange to say the very least. I hate to come off as callow, but it may be that I've hit the next evolution of sub-conscious awareness. But who's actually ready to read about that?

Or something, rather

2010-08-16T17:53:00.000-07:00

Ah, the complexities of writing. Much like it can takes months to film a great movie that only takes two hours to view, it can take me 30 - sometimes, up to 40 - minutes to complete three pages of solid work. Although, here, only knuckle deep into book number 2, I've grown to appreciate the effort vastly. Writing is my art; it's the only one I've been making a "go" of since childhood. And, I prefer to take my time with it. Furthermore, it's more usual than not for authors to make less headway than I already have. Maybe that sounds pretentious, but give me a break; there is no other branch of myself that I am proud of.

Tomorrow, I assume complete occupancy (and thus, control) of the receiving dock again for the second time within two weeks. To be honest, apart from the tidal wave of action in demand for performing a two man job solo, I find it easier to run the department on my lonesome. Everything is where I put it, and there is no margin of error due to miss-communication...by which I mean, of course, failure of communication. Sacred Strawberry, bleeding heart of Jesus: It's still going to be a rough few days coming up; tired ones.

As of this weekend, I have made a strong effort at sleep. I've given myself a bed time, and although it's been merely a few days, I've stuck by it and the results are fabulous. It certainly will not be long before the rule will be bent, for some late night events are too cool to miss out on, but as long as the majority of my week is kept tight, I'm expecting to feel energized earlier than later. However, this new bed time hasn't proved to be effective on waking up earlier...which just really means more sleep being had.

My food budget is kept lean this week, as I made some gratuitous purchases recently. But as I say from time to time, you only live once.

Keeping a good head on my shoulders today, presumably from the excess sleep. Let's hope we can make that the routine.

From The Depths of Hopeless Dreams

2010-08-15T10:25:00.000-07:00

2010 has not been a generous year. It's has yet to be a fair one, either. Indeed, I have declared this collection of months, already, to be the worst in my experiences.

I'm no pup; It's not foreign for me to understand there are no free rides. At best, you're only met half way on the things you want, and the rest of the mile is your own blood & sweat. Most of the time, however, the situation is more resembling a Yin-Yang: All good things must be presented with a grain of salt, and you have to accept the dark with the light. Not even this is the case this year for me. It's more like being shown the positive, dangling in front of my eyes, and then handed the grain of salt. All the while wondering, Where is the other half?

Trying to keep my barrings is the real thing that's driving me insane. Holding up my morals and values is what's exhausting me. My capacity for trust - which was razor thin to begin with - has been diminished. The bitching & moaning is no longer, I wonder if I could ever trust again, but rather now, I don't want to ever trust again.

The few people I end up venting to attempt to console my woes by saying the year is almost over. But they have it backwards, as far as I can tell. The year is still in effect, which makes it an open battlefield, whereas I have no weaponry against an army of cold-shelled machines with strange, technologically advanced armory the likes which has never been seen. And besides, it is not like the end of the year actually physically activates a reset button on luck, or karma, or whatever you want to call it. Time is one - it never sleeps, it never began and it will never end. It's a fickle art, designed by something far beyond our comprehension. Which does leave the belief and faith that all things must pass. This somber haze will pass too, just like all other vicious times in my life. Keep listening to Beatles albums, and, subsequently, their solo work. Continue to read Fitzgerald. Don't stop watching Heroes or Star Trek, you glorious loser.

Heroes, Volume 5: Redemption

2010-02-08T20:37:00.000-08:00

Having such low expectations for the fifth volume of the Heroes saga before it even began, it seemed ironic that I was won over within the first scene - when an entirely new set of characters are introduced, with a grieving ringleader promising his eclectic family a better life for them than the disrespectful one they had. The season shot off faster than a bullet, but unfortunately ceased at a comparable speed, leaving volume 5 in a state of arrested development.

This installment of NBC's Heroes was aptly called "Redemption." From early on, it would appear that every familiar face - Peter, Claire, Hiro, Noah - was looking to put their lives back in order; back to where they felt they should be heading. Long story condensed, it didn't take to long for all our favorites to fall short of this goal; losing their aim as life continues to feed them (and us) the unexpected. And although these character possess extraordinary abilities, their hearts and souls are irrevocably human, and they all give in to temptation, desire, and revenge. In fact, the only original character to actually pull through to salvation is the most unlikely: Sylar - keeping the the volume title true and interesting. On the other side of the tale, there is a mysterious carnival which houses "specials," permitting them to hide in plain sight, lead by a surrogate father with sinister ulterior motives. And while this leader, Samuel, promises salvation while swearing vengeance under his breath, his personal goal is ultimate domination and superiority.

While these episodes delivered an impressive story with many cool surprises, the final chapter felt like hitting a brick wall. Everything - all stories - building and building over the course of 18 pieces, suddenly....oh,...it's over....The villain is thwarted, the hero looking to be happy and normal goes back to being a hero, everyone is safe. The final chapter, 'Brave New World," did not destroy this volume, or the series (by any means). I just feel is was all too quick. We saw fantastic changes in characters we've come to admire this season. We were introduced to an awesome villain (soon to be added to the Villain Hall Of Infamy). And we had good stories to watch. But, this was just more proof that they'll never be able to top the beginning; Volume One: Genesis.